The Off Topic Post – Anything Go’s

[Marekdlux]

I’m just about to get off work and go home to cook a steak. I have my family from Wales visiting me in California right now. After they leave, I will be out there to visit them. 😀
I can’t wait.

Has anyone read the DaVinci Code?
I just ready it (500 pages in 2 days), needless to say I thought it was great.

Alright Shane, lets here those jokes.

-Marek

[Robert Lambie]

my father and sister read it, echoed your thoughts saying it was brill…
the film is out now is it not?

[Marekdlux]

Next month I think. I wanted to read the book before seeing the movie.
-Marek

[Shane Drew]

The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we have the pleasure of enjoying it, as well.

Bonus Question: Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As far as how many souls are entering hell, let’s take a look at the different religions that exist in the world, today. Some of these religions state that if you are not part of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and deaths rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the change of volume in hell because Boyle’s Law states that, in order for the pressure and temperature in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all hell breaks loose!

2: Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until all hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Teresa Banyan during my freshman year….that it will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you ! and take into account that I have still not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then no 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only A given.

[Shane Drew]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, and then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. When you’ve done that, come back and tell me what you have learnt."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would.

I wouldn’t pass on an opportunity like that."

"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replies, "Oh gosh!!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up on an opportunity like that."

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially & realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes.

Potentially we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we’re living with two prostitutes."

"That’s my boy," the father replied

[Shane Drew]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You’re next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Shane Drew]

Because I believed in all those chain letters I have been sent over the last year;

I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS

I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I don’t look at any guy/girl no matter how hot he/she is, for fear that he/she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny, that girl, she’s been 7 since 1993….

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special foward some e-mail program.

My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

I also stopped pumping my own gas for fear that my gas tank would burst into flames. (I’m sitting here in the parking lot, out of gas, sending you this e-mail on my laptop. I’m still using my old cell phone.)

But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will poop on you tomorrow at 7:00 p.m. At least, I sure hope so

[Dave & Rob Lowery]

Barbecue Season Is Coming!

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to
summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on
the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it’s the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine…

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine….

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine…..

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women….

.

[Dave & Rob Lowery]

BEFORE IT STARTS

A man comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns
on the TV, and says to his wife: "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When it’s
finished, he says: "Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start."

This time she looks a little angry, but brings him a beer anyway.
When he’s drained that one too, he says: "Quick, another beer. It’s gonna
start any second."

"That’s it!" She blows her top.

"You b@stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*se down, don’t even
say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you
realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighs. "Oh sh!t, it’s started."

.

[Dave & Rob Lowery]

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex
vit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I’ll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So
off they go to the girl’s flat, where the German produces four
large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the
springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it’s harmless, and the guy
is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the
energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The
climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing…….what do you call
that?

"Ah", says the German,

"Four-sprung duck technique"

.

[Marcella Ross]

quote Marekdlux:

Has anyone read the DaVinci Code?
I just ready it (500 pages in 2 days), needless to say I thought it was great.

-Marek

I read it last year and thoroughly enjoyed it, I read it in about 3 days… I can’t wait to see the film I think it looks good. I’ve read all Dan Browns books since, Angels and Demons is good too (apart from the ‘Hollywood’ style OTT ending!) and I liked Digital Fortress.
I also like Tess Gerritsen’s books but I’m on James Patterson at the mo ……. nothing better than a gruesome murder story!!!! 😀

[Martin Cole]

I don’t think many of will get a look in on this thread when Mr Drew & Mr Lowrey are logged on 🙂

But I will just add :dance2: :cheer: COME ON YOU HAMMERS :dance2: :cheer:

Congratulations on West Ham reaching the FA cup fianl.
Cheapest tickets I can get at the moment stand at £700
Suddenly watching it on TV doesn’t seem so bad 😉

One more quicky, Totally ”DR WHO” 5pm BBC1 Thursday evenings
My son Alex is one of the Dr Who Accademy Cadets. Only on it for a few minutes each week. Proud Dad!

Back over to you Shane & Dave! 🙂

[John Wilson]

I was going to post this yesterday to give this guy a little support as he only had around 300,000 hits on his website at that point but he’s sorted now 😉

http://www.helpwinthisbet.com/

Lucky bugger lol

[Marcella Ross]

Ha ha…. that’s a good one John!!!! :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

[John Wilson]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a big German Shepherd Dog on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking
the dog.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking
in single file. Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue said the man" :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

[Shane Drew]

LAUGHTER REALLY IS GOOD MEDICINE….

"Laughter is the best medicine" is not just a cute phrase. The physical and emotional benefits are far greater than scientists would ever have imagined, even 25 years ago.

It is considered such a valuable health aid, that "humour" centres have cropped up in wards and hospitals that specialize in treating terminal illnesses.

What are the benefits? Laughter increases your blood flow, as much as 20%, while stress can decrease it by 35%. It breaks a cycle of stress and puts you back into a mode where you can once again overcome the situation that caused the stress to start with.

Diabetic patients had significant results in a study that ran humorous videos during dinner, which resulted in better control of sugar spikes after they ate. In a comparative test, those who watched the funny tape, had lower blood sugar than those who watched a lecture.

Laughing reduces allergic reactions as well. It can also help boost the immune system by increasing the number of T cells, and immunoglobulins that fight tumours and disease.

It has been shown to reduce pain for post-op patients, and to relax patients about to have surgery. In fact, shared laughter helps both patient and medical personnel, as well as family members.

…. So there you go. I am actually helping your well being 😉

you can send donations and thank you cards to …… 😕

[Shane Drew]

SCIENCE THRU CHILDRENS EYES.

"One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."

"You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind."

"Talc is found on rocks and on babies."

"Isn’t inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?"

"The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."

"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

"Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."

"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

"Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

"South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."

"Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south."

"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."

"There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."

"Lime is a green-tasting rock."

"Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."

"Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don’t why you should."

"Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there."

"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother."

"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

"To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s."

"Clouds are high flying fogs."

"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

"Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

"Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."

"Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."

"We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe."

"Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."

"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

"In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."

"Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man."

"The wind is like the air, only pushier."

"A blizzard is when it snows sideways."

"A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."

"A monsoon is a French gentleman."

"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

"It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."

"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."

[Shane Drew]

KIDS THOUGHTS ON….

Love and Marriage:

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long." — Glenn, age 7

"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." — John, age 9

"I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful." — Manuel, age 8

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular." — Mae, age 9

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." — Greg, age 8

"Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife." — Tom, age 5

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." — Mike, 10

"I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when Dinosaurs is on television." — Jill, age 6

"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." — Andrew, age 6

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome." — Carolyn, age 8

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble." — Kenny, age 7

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." — Ava, age 8

"When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.’" — Anita, 9

"I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough." — Regina, age 10

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." — Angie, age 10

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." — Marlon, age 10

"[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." — Kirsten, age 10

"Love is foolish…but I still might try it sometime." — Floyd, age 9

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." — Dave, age 8

——————————————————————————–

Kissing:

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don’t get up for at least an hour." — Wendy, age 8

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding." — Jim, age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." — Kally, age 9

"You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." — Doug, age 7

"If it’s your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it’s a new person, you have to ask permission." — Roger, age 6

"It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it." — Tammy, age 10

"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." — Gina, age 8

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that." — Curt, age 7

"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It’s the right thing to do." — Howard, age 8

(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" — Boy, age 6

——————————————————————————–

Beauty:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful." — Anita, age 8

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." — Christine, age 9

"It isn’t always how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything, and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet." — Brian, age 7

——————————————————————————–

How People In Love Act:

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." — Brad, age 8

"They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much." — Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." — Sherm, age 8

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." — Sarah, age 9

"It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are — on fire." — Christine, age 9

"See if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love." — John, age 9

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." — Craig, age 9

——————————————————————————–

What Mom and Dad Have In Common:

"Both don’t want no more kids." — Lori, age 8

——————————————————————————–

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." — Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." — Derrick, age 8

——————————————————————————–

Deciding Who To Marry:

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." — Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with." — Kirsten, age 10

——————————————————————————–

Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." — Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." — Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs…and don’t worry if their parents are right there." — Manuel, age 8

"Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love." — Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." — Bart, age 9

——————————————————————————–

The Best Age To Get Married:

"Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." — Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" — Freddie, age 6

——————————————————————————–

Good Advice About Love:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." — Dick, age 7

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." — Lynnette, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" — Ricky, age 7

"Don’t forget your wife’s name. That will mess up the love." — Erin, age 8

"Sensitivity don’t hurt." — Robbie, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." — Erin, age 8

"Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch." — Natalie, age 9

——————————————————————————–

What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:

"I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." — Craig, age 9

——————————————————————————–

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":

"The person is thinking: ‘Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.’" — Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." — Dick, age 7

——————————————————————————–

Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:

"They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them." — Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." — John, age 9

——————————————————————————–

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

"’I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!’" — Eddie, age 6

"’You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.’" — Larry, age 8

"’I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don’t Bother Me When I’m With My Friends.’" — Bob, age 9

"’How Do I Love Thee When You’re Always Picking Your Nose?’" — Arnold, age 10

"’Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.’" — Sharon, age 9

"’Hey, Baby, I Don’t Like Girls, But I’m Willing To Forget You Are One!’" — Will, age 7

[Shane Drew]

COMMENTS THAT CAME BACK TO HAUNT THEM….

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." — Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year." — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what…is it good for?" — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." — Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.

"This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." — Lee DeForest, inventor.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible." — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" — H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

"We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." — William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.

"So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’" — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this." — Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"It will be years — not in my time — before a woman will become Prime Minister." — Margaret Thatcher, 1974.

"I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." — Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn’t likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." — Business Week, August 2, 1968.

"That Professor Goddard with his ‘chair’ in Clark College and the countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution does not know the relation of action to reaction, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react–to say that would be absurd. Of course, he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." — 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work. The remark was retracted in the July 17, 1969 issue.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." — Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy." — Workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." — Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." — Albert Einstein, 1932.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." — Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." — Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"There will never be a bigger plane built." — A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." — Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.

"Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." — Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

[Shane Drew]

I LIKE # 7 BEST!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

[Shane Drew]

quote Marekdlux:

I just ready it (500 pages in 2 days), needless to say I thought it was great.

-Marek

Assuming you read for 6 hours a day, that would be 1.4 minutes per page. Are you a speed reader or what 😮

Personally not interest in the book, and no intention to see the movie 😕 Much more interesting stuff for my brain to take in… Ice Age 2 as a for instance! 😛

[Jayne Marsh]

I want to see Ice Age 2 as well, big fan of the first film ( Im really a big kid at heart ) :lol1:

[Shane Drew]

quote Jayne Marsh:

I want to see Ice Age 2 as well, big fan of the first film ( Im really a big kid at heart ) :lol1:

Any of the cartoons for me Jayne.

Good clean fun, and a good hearty laugh, a recipe for a good night out with the family in my opinion. :lol1:

[Jayne Marsh]

I have to confess that I even got the Ice Age 2 game for my phone and I had a competition with my youngest daughter as to who finished it first………….she won of course, I am only an old feeble parent with the reactions of a sloth, thats what she told me. 😮

[Shane Drew]

quote Jayne Marsh:

I have to confess that I even got the Ice Age 2 game for my phone and I had a competition with my youngest daughter as to who finished it first………….she won of course, I am only an old feeble parent with the reactions of a sloth, thats what she told me. 😮

Remember tho Jayne, without the sloth, the movie would not be the same!

Actually I can relate to the sloth in so many ways 😳

[Andy Gorman]

Here are some German jokes for you.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife’s house.’
The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.’

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

[Marekdlux]

quote John Wilson:

I was going to post this yesterday to give this guy a little support as he only had around 300,000 hits on his website at that point but he’s sorted now 😉

http://www.helpwinthisbet.com/

Lucky bugger lol

He was under 2million when I looked at it last night, that number has now doubled.

[Nicola McIntosh]

quote Andy Gorman:

Here are some German jokes for you.

nope dont get them 😕

nik

[Peter Normington]

quote Nicola McIntosh:

quote Andy Gorman:

Here are some German jokes for you.

nope dont get them 😕

nik

Of course not Nik, I know you struggle with english jokes,

The germins are very complex and subtle 😀

Peter

[Robert Lambie]

why is it that i have a mad image of Dave Lowery and Shane drew, laid out on a bed, eyes popping out there head. mouse flex tied tight around their bicep while slapping their arm screaming… i need to post a joke mister, just one… doesn’t matter what… just a joke. I’m going cold jester here… nobody smiles at me anymore. they just think I’m a frown and out. :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

[Marcella Ross]

quote Robert Lambie:

why is it that i have a mad image of Dave Lowery and Shane drew, laid out on a bed, eyes popping out there head. mouse flex tied tight around their bicep while slapping their arm screaming… i need to post a joke mister, just one… doesn’t matter what… just a joke. I’m going cold jester here… nobody smiles at me anymore. they just think I’m a frown and out. :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

Robert …. you need psychiatric help …..

[John & Dawn Roddick]

Or a breezer!!

[Shane Drew]

quote Robert Lambie:

why is it that i have a mad image of Shane drew, laid out on a bed, eyes popping out there head. mouse flex tied tight around their bicep while slapping their arm screaming… i need to post a joke mister, just one… doesn’t matter what… just a joke. I’m going cold jester here… nobody smiles at me anymore. they just think I’m a frown and out. :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

👿 have you got a webcam setup in my house rob? 😉

Don’t know about Dave, but I’m rolling my lot out slowly……

[Andrew Boyle]

would be good if we could post pics here……

i’m not very good at reading 😀

[Shane Drew]

quote Nicola McIntosh:

quote Andy Gorman:

Here are some German jokes for you.

nope dont get them 😕

nik

me neither Nik. Bit too subtle for my brain a 1 in the morning 🙄

[Robert Lambie]

pictures can be attached to this thread now…
but will be closed tommorow. sorry 😕 🙄

[Andrew Boyle]

had to show this pic in charity shop in Dunoon last week….

The deer on the left looks a bit Jim Lambie 😀
couple of bangles, and a few rings 😀

---

Attachments:

[Andrew Boyle]

This is Hamish……..

everyone who goes to Tickle in the Trossachs will probably meet him 😀

---

Attachments:

[Robert Lambie]

quote Andrew Boyle:

had to show this pic in charity shop in Dunoon last week….

The deer on the left looks a bit Jim Lambie 😀
couple of bangles, and a few rings 😀

:lol1: :lol1: :lol1: a couple bangles short of a bracelet :lol1:

hamish, he isnt one of your staff is he mate? :lol1:

[Nicola McIntosh]

quote Andrew Boyle:

This is Hamish……..
everyone who goes to Tickle in the Trossachs will probably meet him 😀

yeh….whats his name? 😀

nik

never mind……………..its hamish with a big nose 😉

[Robert Lambie]

nik likes hairy blokes :lol1:

[Nicola McIntosh]

quote Robert Lambie:

nik likes hairy blokes :lol1:

and who told you that……….. 😉

nik

[John & Dawn Roddick]

As promised – the Scottish remake of Charlie’s Angels featuring Nik, Marcella and me

Dawn

---

Attachments:

[JOHN BEEDHAM]

Damit……..i have nothing to say.

[Martin Cole]

Put this sign up about 2 months ago along with another in the car park.

No one spotted the spelling mistake until yesterday when I got the dreaded call, it may as well be in ‘neon’ now, your eye is just drawn to the mistake.

Is it you just become word blind after a while 😮 😮 when doing signs all day long?

It’s about 30 miles away aswell. What a Charlie 😳 😳

Theres a missing ‘c’ in function if you haven’t noticed.

---

Attachments:

[Derek Heron]

what a C martin been there and done it i know how you feel.
once you see it you cant work out how you missed it.
my wife usually spots them but i now get a proof signed where possible.

Derek

[Martin Cole]

quote Derek Heron:

now get a proof signed where possible.

Derek

Derek, we had proofs all signed even my client didn’t spot it so it’s not really about cost you just feel a right prick for doing it.

I think the worst I had, was doing about 8 8’x4′ boards delivering them all the way to middlesex (which is a fair old trek from where I am) to fit only for my client to notice a spelling mistake again it was so bloody obvious when it was pointed out, had to bring all the boards back and change. 👿

Derek hope you and the business are keeping well!

I’m off home, Iv’e had enough :lol1:

[Jill Marie Welsh]

That GI Joe in the pic looks a bit like Hugh Potter…. 😉

I got to tell a customer that their "artwork" they brought me had a mispelling…ENTANCE. This is someone who is a real "c" to work with too, so I felt all superior.

Love…Jill

[Shane Drew]

Martin, been there done that too..

Did a sign in a motel that said Gamimg room, Everyone signed the proof, everyone stood back and admired the sign, everyone shook my hand and commended me on a job well done……until an unemployed printer walked past and asked why we spelt Gaming wrong. I was half way home in the van when I got a really abusive call from the motel manager. When he had finished questioning my heritage, I reminded him that he had signed the proof. It was the only thing that shut him up!

I have done worse tho, delivered 20 or so signs to the airport and put the signs up, when a 7 yo girl asked my why accommodation (only had 1 c) was spelt incorrectly. In that instance, I didn’t get a proof signed as it was a rush job, so I had to cover the cost myself. Client finished up leaving it tho. So I was let off. Even now, no one else has made any comment, and that was 12 months ago. 😳

[Lance Sherrard]

7.

no reason.

just 7.

[Shane Drew]

Did You Hear This One? A Monkey Walks Into The Bar…

The Age, a Melbourne, Australia, newspaper reported that a
New Zealand man tried to disguise himself by dressing up in
a monkey suit so he could get a drink from a pub from which
he had been banned. He was charged with trespassing. Is
there only on pub in New Zealand?

[Sarandaz]

Thanks God, Is it that normal, i thought its only me who make these kind of spelling mistakes, Specialy when i am doing embroidery or print in welsh.Its so easy to make spelling mistakes in welsh words.

[Marcella Ross]

quote Lance Sherrard:

7.

no reason.

just 7.

OK ….. now you’ve officially freaked me out Lance! Are you a sandwich short of a picnic? Or did I miss the point……..? 😮

[Peter Normington]

Marcella,
just think yourself lucky it wasn’t 9 😕

Peter

[Nicola McIntosh]

quote Peter Normington:

Marcella,
just think yourself lucky it wasn’t 9 😕
Peter

now you all know im a bit slow at this sort of thing "quote from someone here ‘im as sharp as a tack’ 😀 ……….but youve lost me now big time 😮

nik

[Peter Normington]

quote :

Are you a sandwich short of a picnic? Or did I miss the point……..? 😮

Pity there are not a lot on the boards tonight, we could have asked for alternatives,,, like " a can short of a six pack"

or " a few pence short of a pound" 😀

Peter

[Marcella Ross]

:rofl:

yip … your right Peter… number 9 would have freaked me out more . 😀 If that were preceded by a 6 then I would have been horrified…….

[Peter Normington]

depends on which way up you prefer your 9s 😀

Peter

[Marcella Ross]

quote Peter Normington:

quote :

Are you a sandwich short of a picnic? Or did I miss the point……..? 😮

Pity there are not a lot on the boards tonight, we could have asked for alternatives,,, like ” a can short of a six pack”

or ” a few pence short of a pound” 😀

Peter

not the full shilling

lights on but nobody home

[Peter Normington]

Nobody is taking any notice, so here are a few more…

A few clowns short of a circus

The wheel is spinning, but the hamster’s dead

There’s a rip in his marble’s bag

Not firing on all cylinders

A kangaroo loose in the top paddock

Hasn’t got both hands on the steering wheel

Hasn’t got both oars in the water

One wave short of a shipwreck

A few bricks short of a load

One scout short of a posse

One card short of a full deck

An olive short of a pizza

A sausage short of a barbecue

Four quarters short of a dollar

A tinny short of a six-pack (australian version)

A few french fries short of a happy meal

One put short of a par

If I gave a penny for his/her thoughts I’d get change back

Not the brightest bulb on the tree

Not the sharpest tool in the box (shed)

About as bright as a burnt out lightbulb

A few slates missing from the roof

Knitting with only one needle

The lift doesn’t go all the way to the top

[Marcella Ross]

Change of subject ….. but is anyone watching national lampoons Animal House on paramount ……? has to be the funniest film ever! Bl00dy hilarious… I’ve seen it a dozen times and know the script but i still laugh my head off!

[Peter Normington]

Sorry marcella, you is a few years younger than me, I never found lampoons anything funny. 😕 Its a mad mad mad mad world, was my funniest, ( probably wouldnt think so if I saw it tonight) But cant watch or do anything, over and over again, it just gets worn out.

Peter

[Nicola McIntosh]

nice one marcella…..ive not seen that for ages…. 😀

nik

[Nicola McIntosh]

quote Peter Normington:

But cant watch or do anything, over and over again, it just gets worn out.

oh no i never get worn out……i could watch my fave movies again and again….. 😀

[Marcella Ross]

Peter, National lampoons Animal House was the best of the bunch… the rest never came close… this was in a class of it’s own!!!!!! Superb!

It’s a mad mad mad mad world was also excellent seen that too…Mel Brooks wasn’t it? He’s brill

[Nicola McIntosh]

BLAZIN SADDLES……. :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

nik

[Peter Normington]

Mel Brooks?

This was the cast,.all under the big W
Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney, D1ck Shawn, Phil Silvers, Jonathan Winters

Peter

[Marcella Ross]

…oh … right … 😳 what was i thinking of??????

As for blazing saddles …. funny …. funny… funny…..

[Marcella Ross]

Or… Porky’s …. Lemon Popsicle

For the up-to-date stuff…… American Pie!!!!!!

[John & Dawn Roddick]

quote Peter Normington:

quote :

Are you a sandwich short of a picnic? Or did I miss the point……..? 😮

Pity there are not a lot on the boards tonight, we could have asked for alternatives,,, like ” a can short of a six pack”

or ” a few pence short of a pound” 😀

Peter

Heard a cracker the other night on the Vicar of Dibley – a t1t short of an udder

[Harry Cleary]

Hi All,
Changing the subject here, such as it is!

I just tried to buy some Methylathed spirits in my local chemist only to be told by the assistant that they couldnt sell it to me as they now need a license to sell it………….has the world (EU) gone stark raving bonkers or what? There is a pub next door that has a happy hour were all spirits are 2 euros!! and the carpark is full of little boy racing cars….go figure!

[Shane Drew]

quote Harry Cleary:

Hi All,
Changing the subject here, such as it is!

I just tried to buy some Methylathed spirits in my local chemist only to be told by the assistant that they couldnt sell it to me as they now need a license to sell it………….has the world (EU) gone stark raving bonkers or what? There is a pub next door that has a happy hour were all spirits are 2 euros!! and the carpark is full of little boy racing cars….go figure!

That interesting Harry. Over here they sell metho in Woolworths.

A lot of the homeless drink metho here as it is easy and cheap to access.

Some would say that it is reason enough to make it harder to get, yet they are happy to sell spray paint to children, and then wonder why we have graffitti everywhere 🙄 , not to mention those that sniff the vapour to get high 😮

Glad we are not in the EU tho. Some of the laws you guys have now are obviously made by lawyers, who sit in little ivory towers, having lost touch with reality. Our politics is the same on a lessor scale I suppose, but the EU have made making stupid regulations almost an art form. 😕

[Shane Drew]

Tom, D!ck & Harry died with their wives and went to heaven.

They arrived at the pearly gates, to meet St Peter checking the entry list for admittance to heaven.

‘hhhmmm’ St Peter said, ‘Tom, it says here that you were so money hungry, so driven by the almighty dollar, that you even married a woman called Penny. I’m sorry Tom, I can’t let you thru the gates"

Then St Peter motioned for Harry to come over closer to him so they could discuss their chances of entry.

‘hhmmm’ St Peter said. ‘ Harry, it says here that you were so in love with food, so singleminded about eating, that you even married a woman called Candy. I’m sorry Harry I can’t let you thru the gates either’

D!ck was getting a little anxious, and turned to his wife and said ‘ it is not looking good for us F@nny’ 😮

[JOHN BEEDHAM]

i liked that one………lol :lol1:

[Harry Cleary]

You stay were you are Shane, things a re going crazy over here. The pharmicist were I was trying to buy the meths also told me that he had a visit from health and safety, who, wait for it………were insisting on seeing his first aid cabinet, and threaten to close him down until he got one!!! In a chemist’s for christ’s sake! He was selling the darn things. (hot) (hot)

[John & Dawn Roddick]

Any cures for sunburn??????

[Shane Drew]

quote John & Dawn Roddick:

Any cures for sunburn??????

Aloe Vera plant, squeeze the jell out of the leaves and smeer it over the burn. Works a treat, wifes not keen when you demolish the garden tho 😳

[Lance Sherrard]

Get it from the neighbours garden.

[Lance Sherrard]

Next door there, at No 7.

[Shane Drew]

Jill, the town gossip and supervisor of the town’s morals,
recently accused Joe, a local man, of being an alcoholic
because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s
only bar.

Joe stared at her for a moment angrily, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of
her house and left it there all night.

[Jill Marie Welsh]

That damn truck is STILL parked outside!
What will the neighbors think?
Love….Jill

[Shane Drew]

quote Jill Marie Welsh:

That damn truck is STILL parked outside!
What will the neighbors think?
Love….Jill

:rofl:

[John & Dawn Roddick]

quote Shane Drew:

quote John & Dawn Roddick:

Any cures for sunburn??????

Aloe Vera plant, squeeze the jell out of the leaves and smeer it over the burn. Works a treat, wifes not keen when you demolish the garden tho 😳

No good Shane. I got sunburnt yesteday while pulling up every growing thing in my garden so I’ve nothing left to raid!!

[Shane Drew]

quote John & Dawn Roddick:

quote Shane Drew:

quote John & Dawn Roddick:

Any cures for sunburn??????

Aloe Vera plant, squeeze the jell out of the leaves and smeer it over the burn. Works a treat, wifes not keen when you demolish the garden tho 😳

No good Shane. I got sunburnt yesteday while pulling up every growing thing in my garden so I’ve nothing left to raid!!

oh dear… It is midnight here, but I can wake the wife if you want, to see what else she suggests. It may be the last thing I do in this world tho, but you guys are worth it 😕 😕 😉

[Lance Sherrard]

Anyone seen my sandwich, I lost my sandwich.

[Lance Sherrard]

Hey Shane did you see they may get those 2 miners home safely in Tassie.

Great news. Lets hope the night goes to plan for everyone down there.

[Shane Drew]

quote Lance Sherrard:

Hey Shane did you see they may get those 2 miners home safely in Tassie.

Great news. Lets hope the night goes to plan for everyone down there.

Yeah mate, hope it is not a false hope tho. I have read some reports where they ‘think’they heard the guys, and other reports they did hear some conversation.

They;ve gone and told the families they are alive, and everyone is excited, I just hope they are actually alive and not some confusion over noise.

Being stuck 1klm down on the otherside of a rock cave in would not be my idea of a four day break, I can assure you. I wonder if drilling for gold is worth it. Not if you ask the family of the dead guy I suppose….

What are you doing up anyway. Shouldn’t you be getting your beauty sleep?

[Shane Drew]

quote John & Dawn Roddick:

No good Shane. I got sunburnt yesteday while pulling up every growing thing in my garden so I’ve nothing left to raid!!

Ok, here goes….

Cool milk compresses–Applying cool whole milk to a sunburn with a soft cloth or cotton gauze will help ease the pain and discomfort, while the fat content of the milk will help soothe the skin and may facilitate healing. Trouble is, people may mistake you for a milkshake…. 😮

Cool baths–Soaking in a cool bath is one of the best ways to draw heat from the skin and soothe the pain and discomfort of a sunburn. Adding chamomile oil or baking soda to a cool bath (or oatmeal to a lukewarm bath) can relieve the pain. (After bathing, lightly pat the skin dry with a soft towel, preferably cotton. If you take an oatmeal bath, let the light coating of oatmeal that clings to your skin remain.) Trouble is you come out looking like a muesli bar 🙄

Rubbing alcohol–Because it evaporates so quickly, dabbing on rubbing alcohol will quickly cool and ease the pain of sunburned skin. If that doesn’t relieve the pain, you could always take a swig… in for a penny, in for a pound!

Lavendar Essential oils work well too…. pour it over the effected area and let it soak in. As a bonus, everyone around you will become relaxed and think happy thoughts 😳

For best results, follow the abovementioned treatments immediately with a slathering of moisturizing cream to relubricate the skin and facilitate it’s retention of water.

Wear loose clothing, and complain to everyone for all it is worth. If you’re going to be in pain, the shane drew law of ill health dictates that everyone should hear about it, and sympathy should be forth coming. If they have no sympathy, beer will do…

Hope it helps

[Lance Sherrard]

My thoughts exactly Shane, I was just talking to my son and said the same thing.
The media is making it sound like these blokes are already at home sitting around the kitchen table having a cuppa.
Still a lot of very dangerouse work to be done in what I imagine is a fairly unstable area.
The next 6-12 hours will sort things we hope.

Anyway I’m along way from bed yet. I am very seldom horozontal much before 2am. Generally only sleep 4-5 hours most nights and have done for as long as I can remember.
Now as for beauty sleep, that didn’t work when I tried it once.

[John & Dawn Roddick]

Shane

I hope these tips are all your own, and you really didn’t waken your wife??

[Shane Drew]

quote John & Dawn Roddick:

Shane

I hope these tips are all your own, and you really didn’t waken your wife??

😳 Did I tell you my wife talks in her sleep? Well not talk so much as tells you things. You can talk back tho, and I’ve kept a conversation going for about 5 minutes before she drifts back off to sleep.

My 9 yo daughter does the same. Chatters away, about nothing in particular. My 11 yo son giggles in his sleep.

Ever tried going camping with 2 talkers and a giggler in a 4 person tent, in a crowded caravan park, a 2am in the morning? It is an experience.

To answer your question, no I didn’t wake the little woman, or I wouldn’t be typing this now, I’d be swinging from the gutter by a rope.

Hope it works tho 😉