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Rules you’ll need to know….
…. if you want to be australian…
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, the launch of a new art gallery, or the Saturday shopping at the local hardware store, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of Heinz tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers or criminals.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total mongrel”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a mongrel” and the Highway Patrol are “real mongrels”.
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word “mate” can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or “mateship”. Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man will choose a partner who is more attractive than himself………….to mosquitoes.
15. If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
17. It’s considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase “we’ve got a great lifestyle” means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host’s beer. (Don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it).
20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you’d be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase “a simple picnic” is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, you’re not trying.
22. Unless ethnic or an englishman, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don’t sit, that’s what backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel’s pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
27. The chief test of manhood is one’s ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is “being made on my mobile”.
29. There comes a time in every Australian’s life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.
30. Australians are a confused lot. An Australians best friend is his dog. But the Datsun ute, (also known as the ‘dado ute’) that does not work in the back yard, is a ‘real dog’.
31. Australians can not spell beer. In the north they usually settle for XXXX. Australians in the Southern States are worse. They spell beer with a V and a B.
32. And, finally, don’t let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says “cobber” to anyone … EVER! It also doesn’t have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia.
They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) with a victa, in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can’t pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.
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5 Replies
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😀 😀 :lol1:
Thanks for the laugh Shane.
-Marek -
Enjoyed that shane 🙂
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Likewise – just what was needed today :lol1: :lol1:
In the same spirit and to lighten up the day a little. Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue…………………..
Begins…………..
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging letter”. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”. This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat” has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers” might indicate that your decision to “file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies” is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a “sodding charity”. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay “go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”, a moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole damned party” yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark.
Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish lickspittles” and “dancing whores” whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, “that box-ticking façade of a university system.”
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don’t simply write “Muggins” on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give” has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in Australia” you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations -
:lol1: I love this letter… made my morning, but what I find really funny is that there IS actually a tax official WITH a sense of humour out there.. 🙂
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No Shane in my experience they meant every word 😀
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