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Joke 4 U
A Polish guy applies for a driving licence
He has to take an eye test.
The optician shows him a card with the letters:C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
“Can you read this?” the optician asks.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replies, “I know the guy.” :lol1:
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!…… I soiled myself.”The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.”
The old explorer said, “No, not then – just now when I went ””ROARRRR!””” 😛
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4 Replies
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WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his
office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the
United States when his telephone rang
“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!”, a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform
you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is
myself,me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred
thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra! !” said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Chirac, the war
is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Chirac asked. “Well, we
have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Chirac sighed, amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000
tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on!” We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified
Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to two hundred
thousand!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you
back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’,
Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the
war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Chirac. “Why the sudden change of
heart?”
“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of
pints, and decided there’s no flippin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.”Sorry if this causes offence to anyone, its not meant to ! Any Lancashire jokes welcome.
Mark :lol1:
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Mort, very good!!
Here’s one for ya..
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous f@rt, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.
“You’ll trump your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s butt.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning guff reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did f@rt my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push ’em back in!”
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LOl Good ones 🙂
and no offence here at all, a joke is a joke 🙂
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😀 😀 😀
If a joke doesn’t offend at least a few people it’s not really funny.
-Marek
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