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growned up jokes only !!
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
“No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
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Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, You’ll like this one !!
“When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her, “Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem”.
Jack took his father’s advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said “I can’t wear these, they’re far too large for me”.
“Exactly” Jack replied “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that”.
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on Jack” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
“I can’t get into your knickers” said Jack. So Jill said “Exactly, and if you don’t change your bloody attitude, you never will!”
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16 Replies
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One day at school the teacher decides to teach the alphabet.
So she says “can anyone tell me a word begining with A,” little billy puts his hand up…. “yes billy” she says
“A***hole” he replies,
well the teacher is quite taken back, “yes” she says “but we try not to use that word because its bad”
“Now can anybody give me a word begining with B” she asks.
Again billy puts his hand up
“o.k billy whats your word” she says
“B*****d” he answers..
Well she’s really shocked this time, “you quite right billy but we don’t use that word because its really bad”
So she thinks for a wee while then says “now can anybody give me a word begining with D”
Again billys hand is the only one up, and he’s desperate to answer….
“Alright billy give me your word begining with D” she says.
“Dwarf miss” billy replies full of pride….
“very good billy” she says…with great relief… ” now can you tell me what a dwarf is” she asks him
” yes miss ” he replies ” its one of those small C***s” -
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married.
She put a wanted ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around
On me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, “You’re not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you — you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore no chance to run around on you!”
She snorted, “You have no arms either!”
Again the old man smiled. “Nor can I beat you!”
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
“Are you still good in bed?” she asked.
With a smile the old man said, “Rang the doorbell didn’t I?”
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your t**s dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”
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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”
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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”
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John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John’s dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight’s the night!”
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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.”
“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.
“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind.”
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?”
The pensioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that F*****G fence wasn’t electrified.”
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A 2nd grade school teacher in Ireland asked her students to use the word “contagious” in a sentence.
Sally said, “Me mum took me to me aunt’s house, but we couldn’t go in, for she was laid up with the consumption and me mum said she was “contagious” so we’d have to stay outside”.
The teacher said, “Oh, now, what a fine use of the word “contagious” Sally.
Mary raised her hand. She said, “I was laid up in bed last week and couldn’t play with me friends because I was “contagious”
The teacher said, “Well, t’is also a fine use of the word “contagious” Mary.
Little Rotten Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because they was well aware of Little Rotten Johnny’s bad language.She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “contagious”, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “Me and me granddad was walking down the street when we seen an old woman scraping gum off the sidewalk. I asked me granddad how long did he think it would take that old woman to scrape off all of that there gum?
He said, Oh Johnny, it will take that “C*#t Ages”.
:lol1: 😳 :lol1:
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lol !!! on the sea fishing forum i frequent theres a new section in the general section, just for mor adult orientated jokes, i’ve been in there for about 2hrs after only finding it tonight
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Where is this sea fishing forum of laughs?
I wish to attend 🙂 -
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” -
Crikey 😮
:lol1: Will have to read all these lot later when I have more time … theres loads 😛
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Woman goes to the doctors to ask about a pain she was getting in her chest
doctor asks her to slip off her top so he can examine her
this she does and exposes a huge pair breastsmadam ,he says, in all my years of practice i have never seen such a large pendulous pair of breasts would you mind…all in the cause of medical
science if i weighed themNo she says go ahead
so he grabs them with both hands and screams
WA..HAYY !!!!
Terry
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quote Terry:Woman goes to the doctors to ask about a pain she was getting in her chestdoctor asks her to slip off her top so he can examine her
this she does and exposes a huge pair breastsmadam ,he says, in all my years of practice i have never seen such a large pendulous pair of breasts would you mind…all in the cause of medical
science if i weighed themNo she says go ahead
so he grabs them with both hands and screams
WA..HAYY !!!!
Terry:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
nik
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very good terry !!
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as the topic says here is my groan joke#
Chap took his liitle lad to Blackpool, after walking down the prom, they ended up on the pleasure beach, dad asked the little lad if he wanted to go on the Pepsi max roller coaster. to which lad said yes please.
Anyway as they are on the first big climb to the apex, little lad says, “dad I want to wee” Dad says “sorry son you will have to wait till we get off”
At the top of the next hill, little lad says “Dad I really want to wee”
Again dad says “sorry son try and wait till we get off”
At the next hill little lad says “dad, I really really, want to wee”
“Son you will have to wait till we get off”
anyway when they get to the end of the ride, Dad says ok son lets go wee now,Lad says weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
told you it was a groan!!!
peter
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Peter
how thick am ithought the bottom line was part of the joke
now i get it !(:)
Terry -
lol peter !!
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice”?
The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the dwarf.”
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