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Did I tell you about….
Did I share with you lot about the time recently when we found a goanna in our bathroom?
Now, it is no exaggeration when I tell you that my wife did the 100 metre dash in…., well……, seconds. First I heard this blood curdling scream, and then saw this flash go past the study door. Then, a scream, sort of like SSSSHHHHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNEEEEEeeeeeeeee……
Well, I tried to invoke selective deafness that every married man developes within months of saying ‘I do’, because, from past experience, I know that anything that starts with SSSHHHHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNEEEEEeeeeeeeee…… usually ends with some request that is not for the faint hearted!
However, curiosity got the better of me, so I asked her what was the problem. ‘A g g g g g goooaannnaa’ the little women said through a crack in the pantry door. ‘A goanna?’ I said, feeling sure that the wife had been sniffing too much toilet cleaner. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’. I marched down the hall, in a confident manner, trying to show the wife and kids I was in full control, when in reality, I was wanting to run to the phone and call in fire rescue.
Certainly, I was concentrating very hard on trying to keep my bladder under control, because it clearly wanted to do something contrary to what I wanted to do, at that particular time and place. It was then that I saw the goanna, and it was not very happy that our cat had deposited it in a room without a view. My first thought was ‘what would dad do in this situation?’ but then I thought running would be out of the question.
I did however have a brain wave. I got a broom and big box, then blocked his exit. With the broom I then goaded it into the box. The little fella was remarkably calm when I finally convinced it to move. The wife maintains that the constant and rhythmic knocking of my knees probably lulled it into a trance.
Now our cat, I should tell you, is a nature lover, and he always brings his friends home. We have had a goanna before, but my policeman neighbour answered my wife’s frantic call that time because I was at work. All in a days work for him he reckons, catching trespassers. That, and the fact that she was on the window sill screaming for help!
Then of course, there was the time that we had a snake in the house. We frantically called in the snake handler for that one. This man, we discovered, is definately an eccentric, preferring the company of snakes to humans. He has a photo album he carries with him, so he can show you all his pet snakes he has had over the years. Most people show you the photo of the wife and kids, but not this guy. This particular day, he had his wife with him, and on seeing the snake they both got so excited, the snake escaped behind the new kitchen.
Seeing my wife lose all her colour, I asked, somewhat tentatively, what happens next. ‘We’ll have to demolish your kitchen until we find him’ he said. At this point I started to calculate my wife’s weight to see if I was strong enough to catch her if she was to faint. Fortunately, the little women ‘kept it together’, because I didn’t know how I was going to tell her that catching was not something that I was good at. About all I can be sure of catching is a cold!
Anyway, I think the wife’s look of horror convinced the snake man to go with option two. Now, I was not really keen on this option because it involved going to bed and waiting for the snake to come out in the night. But we decided, after finding out the snake was not dangerous, that this was better than destroying a fairly new kitchen.
The snake man left after charging us for his services – that is, NOT catching the snake AND leaving it in our house to surprise us in the morning. But we did see some nice snap shots of his ‘babies’, and saw all his red belly black puncture marks from the times he has been bitten. Fascinating.
I don’t think it too hard to imagine that, faced with this scenario, several things go through your head. Not the least of which is (a) I hope it has eaten, (b) I am glad we don’t have pet mice, and (c) I hope the snake man was right about the species. You also spend all night wondering what every noise is in the house, and imagining that the snake is crawling over your quilt and pillow.
Anyway, next morning, we got up to find our cat had cornered him in the family room. Somehow I was voted as the one that should catch it and put it in the paddock down the road. The wife though, very kindly issued instructions from on top of the dining table.
In a stroke of genius, I used a pillow case as a glove to catch the intruder, then pulled the pillow case over it to form a bag. My son and daughter thought I was a hero, so I suppose it was worth it in the end. Move over Steve Irwin!
One piece of advice I should give any of you that may need the services of a snake handler in the future. NEVER use the phrase – ‘The only good snake is a dead snake!’ I have discovered that these snake handlers do not have a good sense of humour! 😮
This is a True Story. It was voted my best article by my newsletter subscribers for 2002. Thought I’d share it with you. :lol1:
Cheers
Shane -
6 Replies
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great Story Shane
but what is a goanna? now don’t fall about laughing all of you but i realy have not got a clue, and i can’t be bothered to google for it 🙂
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quote Mort:great Story Shanebut what is a goanna? now don’t fall about laughing all of you but i realy have not got a clue, and i can’t be bothered to google for it 🙂
Mate, a Goanna is a dirty great big lizard basically. They can do some damage if they get spooked, but usually can be moved on without a lot af problems.
Cheers
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big beastie 🙂
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:lol1: Good one Shane!!! You hero!!
Carrie 😛
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if the pet moggy brings that home iam worried we have 3 cats.
good laugh after the events though
chris
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Great write up Shane
That’s some cat you got there
Does he get on with the postman?My mate keeps goannas on his balcony (in their cages of course)
Didn’t the name originate from an early settler?
Upon discovering the reptile in his house, he thereupon shouted frantically to his wife “Go Anna”
John
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