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Funnies for Mort
drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you sir?”
“Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr” the man replies.
The cop asks- “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key” the man replies. About that time the cop ooks down and sees the man’s ‘personality’ is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out, “I’ll be damned, My girlfriend’s gone, too!!!!!”An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. – Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. – Love Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. – Love FredA guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” the guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes i am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sauseage, would you ask if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me it I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?” The clerk says, “Well, no.” With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well alright then, why did you ask me if I was Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?” The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”
An old cowhand was soon to be wed. While talking about it to a friend, the friend suggested he take her to a nice hotel in the city and get a suite to enhance the mood for their first night.
The cowhand calls a nice hotel, “I’d like to reserve a suite for my honeymoon”.
The clerk asks “Would you like the bridal?”
The cowhand replies “Naw, I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets used to it.” -
13 Replies
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And another…
In the men’s room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it: “Think!”The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, “Thoap!
😉
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Thanks guys they brought a smile to my face 🙂
been down the new workshop another 12 hrs getting set up and i needed that, i’ll post some for u when i get the chance 😀
and i realy liked the drunk one 😛
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ok heres a quickie
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat. ”
Little BILLY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
“Oh? ” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time? ”
“No” replied Little Billy, “he minded his own f#*#ing business!” -
and another
Little Joey, at the back of the class, was squirming
in his chair, not paying any attention to what was
being taught. The teacher, Miss Wanda, approached
him to find out what the problem was.Quite embarrassed, Joey whispered that he had
just been circumcised, and he was quite itchy.Miss Wanda sent him to the principal’s office to phone
his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making
the phone call, little Joey returned to class and sat
down.All of a sudden, there was quite a commotion in the
back of the room. The classmates around Joey were all
laughing and giggling. Miss Wanda walked to the back
of the class to see what was causing the disturbance.
The teacher glanced over at Joey… He was sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out.Miss Wanda was shocked at the sight: “What are you
doing?” she gasped. “I thought I told you to call your mother!”“I did,” replied Joey. “My Mom told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from
school -
and a fun flash animation i found for our friends accross the pond
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/6019
u will need broadband for this and flash7
now i’m off to collapse for a while 🙂
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Funniest thing I’ve seen relating to our American cousins…
Broadband recommended though 😕
Cheers, Dewi
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Quality set of jokes 😆
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An englishman, irishman and scotsman are attending the wake of an old welsh friend.
The englishman goes up to the open coffin to say his last farewell. He becomes all emotional when saying goodbye and remembers he owed taffy a £10. He reached into his wallet and took out a £10 note and placed it into Taffy’s top pocket.
The irishman goes next and is also overcome with emotion. He remembers the last night out they enjoyed and that he owed taffy for a round of drinks. He too takes £10 from his wallet and places it into Taffy’s top pocket.
The scotsman goes last. He becomes slightly moist about the eyes when bidding Taffy farewell. After much prompting from the other two he also admits to owing Taffy £10 that he borrowed to purchase his wife’s silver anniversary present. (it cost £9.98 from Argos – deluxe dish washing set)
After some arm twisting from the other two he agrees to repay the money, whips out his cheque book and writes Taffy a cheque for £30 and pockets the two tenners for his change. :lol1:
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Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, “Can I speak to my wife?”
She says, “No, she’s upstairs in bed with her boyfriend.”
He says, “Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both.”
Being the loyal maid, she says, “Ok.”
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, “Ok, they’re both dead. What should I do with the bodies?”
He says, “Throw them in the pool, and I’ll take care of them when I get home.”
She says, “We don’t have a pool.”
He asks, “Is this 672841?”Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”
Sarah turns and says, “Can you jack off? I have a headache!”
A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children wouldn’t know what they were talking about. they would ask “could I take in your laundry tonight ?” so the kids couldn’t understand. Husband comes home from work one night and asked “Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight? No not tonight was her reply. No big deal as he has come home many nights without getting any. They following night he comes home from work and asks “Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight? again her reply was No, not tonight. This goes on several more nights, and the exasperated man always get the same answer, No, not tonight. So the following night the man comes home from work, never says a thing to his wife, but goes straight to bed. In the morning his wife is somewhat worried (knowing how horney he is) and asks “Honey, how come you didn’t want to take in my washing last night? Don’t even think about it he replies, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
Cheers, Dewi
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?”
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father yells to his son, “Hurry boy – go get your mother!”
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said, “I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick: “$500?, $500?! – Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”
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one more….
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.
Unfortunately, the old man’s language was not the cleanest, and it would
seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and
tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He
played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours
trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he
threw the parrot into the freezer.“There,” he said. “Maybe he’ll cool off in there.”
For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that
freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent.A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, “If you
would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory
vocabulary.”Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the
chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot
spoke.“If you don’t mind, may I ask what the chicken did?”
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^^ LOL 😛
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